Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis is a neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in both the brain and spinal cord. These neurons are interconnected from the brain to the spinal cord and the spinal cord to our muscles. As these motor neurons progressively die, the ability of our brain to control muscle movement is diminished. With voluntary muscle movement being affected, many patients lose the ability to control simple everyday actions. Scientists around the world have been completing studies towards discovering various treatments for this disease. ALS affects both patients neurologically and physically and that is where my interest in the disease stems from. As I have been completing research regarding muscle function and muscle fatigue, I would love nothing more than to develop a better understanding of ALS and gain first-hand experience in the clinical research and care of the disease in relation to muscle function.
Comments
suggestion
Overall I think your paragraph is really easy to follow and read. I might suggest talking about your personal interest in ALS at the beginning too. I think where its placed with no context is kind of abrupt and introducing that you pursue research in this field at the beginning may aid in even more flow.
suggestion
the last sentence had a few different ideas in it so it might be a good idea to split it up. Overall the paragraph would make a good intro and is easy to digest.
Rephrasing
"Scientists around the world have been completing studies towards discovering various treatments for this disease."
Overall good writing, I just think the wording here is a little awkward, and that you could be more concise if you said "have been researching various treatments" or something like that