My first glance I noticed a minuscule living creature, circling the perimeter of the container in which it was held captive in. The creature had shades of light/dark brown along its segmented rod-shaped body. As it had little motility, I noted the way that the creature moved; in such movement similar to a slinky. At its assumed posterier, I observed two circular dark brown dots, which helped with the organisms movement and sensation to the environment. In comparison to its posterior, the head was much darker in color and took on a more cone shape.
After noting some of the creatures characteristics, I can now predict that this creature is in fact a larvae. Larvae tend to have very limited motility and take on a rod shaped segmented figure. I then began to observe some of the larvaes behavior as it was contained in this environment. As mentioned above, the larvae would circle around the perimeter walls of the container; that is when I decided to move the larvae into the center of the container and realized that it quckly found its way to the edge once more.
What might this prenounced larvae turn into? I had no idea. However, I'm sure that in a couple of weeks that the organism it might evolve into will be something along the lines of a caterpiller or even a moth. I was soon pleased to discover by my professor that this was indeed a "wax worm". A wax worm is simply a caterpiller larvae of a moth. Who knew that after looking at an organism for about thirty minutes we'd be able to specifiy its species.
Comments
Avoid using question marks
I like the way you framed your paragraph as a thinking process. The question mark might lead a reader to believe that you aren't sure of your own observations.
Minor tips
This isn't a paragraph, these are 3 mini paragraphs. In a regular essay this would be better for flow and clarity, but for the purposes of this exercise this ain't it chief
In scientific papers, it's good to avoid personal pronouns like "I" and using passive voice. Instead, try using language like "the organism displayed shades of brown along its segmented body".
Paper feels more like a journal entry than a piece from a scientific journal.
Response
This is a well done and thought out paper. The only criticsm that I can say is that there is a lot of use of commas throughout the paper. There is a comma in almost every sentence which seems excessive. Overall though it is a well formed paper!