You are here

Perfect Paragraph 2

Submitted by lpotter on Mon, 01/28/2019 - 16:39

My friends and I were time together last friday and somehow the topic of anti vaccination came up. We were talking about it and came to the conclusion that there was zero evidence to suggest that vaccines give you autism. I knew that the movement started after a discredited doctor published a fabricated paper claiming that there was an association with autism and the MMR vaccine. What I didn’t know is that this was the paper that antivaxxers use to support their argument to this day. It has recently been discovered that the doctor who published the paper, Andrew Wakefield, had a major conflict of interest in publishing this paper. He was in the process of developing an at home test for parents to screen their children for autism and projected that he could make over 43 million dollars a year on the tests. So it appears as though he created an autism scare in order to sell his at home tests.

Post:

Comments

The arguement made in this paragraph is very good and the details support it well. One thing that I would change is that you use "paper" twice in the fourth sentence. Using a differnt word such as "work" may suit this better.  

Use a hyphen with unit modifiers (like "at-home tests").

The presence of 'time' in the first sentence is unnecessary, and I would capitilize 'Friday.' Per the comment made by Professor Brewer, I would also hyphenate 'anti-vaccination.' I would personally reword the fourth sentence for clarity, instead saying: "I was unaware that this is the paper that anti-vaxxers continue to use to support their argument." Other than that, it's a good, strong argument!

Try not to begin a paragraph with so if you can help it! You can just say, "it appears" instead of adding the so in the beginning.