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Perfect Paragraph

Submitted by fmillanaj on Fri, 09/07/2018 - 15:16

At first observation, the spider doesn't seem to be doing anything. It appears to be hanging on its web. The spider has 8 long and thin legs attached to a short, thick, and translucent torso. The spider appears to have several eyes on its head, but I can't be sure without some sort of magnification. After nearly dropping the container, the spider is awake and moving rapidly around it. This stopped after 10 minutes, and the spider is now hanging on its web again. I tried to elicit some sort of response by using my phone's flashlight, but even after 15 seconds of light, the spider did not move.

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Comments

This is a godd paragraph because it show cases actions that were taken that received a response from the spider. However, the personal use of "I" was used, and in scientific writing we should try and withhold any human interaction. Instead, try phrasing around what you did. Instead of saying " I shined a light" say " a light was shined", or instead of " I can't be sure without magnification" use " magnification is needed for clarity".

I liked the way you painted a picture in the reader's head of the spider.  The only comment I have is to try to connect one sentence to the next.  At one point you say "This stopped after 10 minutes, and the spider is now hanging on its web again."  Although it does seem repetitive to say "the spider's rapid movements stopped after 10 minutes..." scientific writing calls for clear pronoun usage.  It does seem silly but technically you could be referring to dropping the container when you say it stopped after 10 minutes.  There are some examples of how to use clear pronouns on page 23 of the Writing in the Biological Sciences book.  Also, there is some rule about not starting a sentence with "This" but that may not be true anymore.  I really liked your paragraph, though! Keep it up!