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Perfect Paragraph 6

Submitted by ashorey on Fri, 10/18/2019 - 11:28

A concussion is defined by Meehan et al. as a blow to the head, neck or face that causes short term neurological deficits without structural changes in the brain as seen by neuroimaging. Concussions are a very serious medical injury that can lead to long term brain damage that impacts memory, behavior, and mental ability. Why is it then that so many young athletes often go undiagnosed with serious injuries? Meehan et al. reported that less than half of high school students who sustained concussions during a football game would report it to medical staff. In college students, they were unlikely to report any injury, but when they did they often called their concussion a minor head injury, detracting from the seriousness of what they sustained. It was found that up to 30% of athletes showing symptoms from injuries known to cause concussions went undiagnosed. The percent of students in contact sports that were observed to have a head injury and resulting concussion symptoms is consistently lower than the percent of students confirmed to have concussions by medical diagnosis. This is a great pitfall in reducing the harm done to young athletes especially during adolescent years when the brain's formative functions can be greatly impacted by such a disturbance (Meehan). 

Meehan, William P 3rd et al. “The prevalence of undiagnosed concussions in athletes.” Clinical journal of sport medicine : official journal of the Canadian Academy of Sport Medicine vol. 23,5 (2013): 339-42. doi:10.1097/JSM.0b013e318291d3b3

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Comments

You did a great job brining in factual details to elevate your discussion. I saw that you did not use an oxford comma in your first sentence, "head, neck or face". Grammatically your sentence is correct, but I think you might want to consider including the oxford comma.

Consider rephrasing this senetnce. Writing "it was found that up to 30%  of athletes showing symptoms from injuries known to cause concussions went undiagnosed" could be interepreted as if the symptoms were what caused the concussion. 

"as seen by neuroimaging" is personifying because neuroimaging does not "see"; maybe rephrase that to something more clear without giving neuroimaging characteristics