We had orientation on Monday. It was alright but I was kind of nervous. I paid attention to every detail that the student leaders whether it was academically or any resources that they provided to us. The speeches were very interesting. The police officer had some good pointers and I feel very safe on campus because of that speech by the officer. I would be spending a lot of time on campus studying and doing homework and all so that speech made me feel proud of the college I’m coming to. The next part of the orientation was doing a tour which was very nice. I really enjoyed that. I was very lost on how I would get from one place to another so that was very helpful. The library is full of so many options. It was great to learn about it. In fact, I might go and check out all my options. Then, we had lunch at the franklin dining hall which was really good. Big fan of their Mexican food. I have eaten at Hampshire and Berkshire but honestly my favorite one as one of now is Hampshire dining hall. After, we went to sign up for classes. I signed for my classes but I didn’t like the part where we had to wait because we were a big group mainly because some classes that I wanted to take were full. I had students helping me which I was iffy about but then I felt comfortable knowing she was the same major as me.
Comments
Conclusion
Your paragraph is missing a conclusion that would wrap up your story.
Im too nitpicky for what is an expansionary piece but...
I almost feel like something is missing here "I paid attention to every detail that the student leaders [had presented, informed us of, disregarded?] whether it was academically or any resources that they provided to us"
I dont think this words very well "I would be spending a lot of time on campus studying and doing homework and all so that speech made me feel proud of the college I’m coming to" perhaps make it two sentaces study and doing homework. That speech made me feel...
this is probably fine but since the last statement was about how you felt including "I really enjoyed that" may be repeating what most people could infer?
consider combing to be more concise?"The library is full of so many options. It was great to learn about it.In fact, I might go and check out all my options." Same thing with "hen, we had lunch at the franklin dining hall which was really good. Big fan of their Mexican food. "
I think this qualifies as a run on " I signed for my classes but I didn’t like the part where we had to wait because we were a big group mainly because some classes that I wanted to take were full." theres alot of ideas hear but they could use some revision
"I signed up for classes, but because we were a large group, some classes filled up before I could get into them" I think my use of commas might be wrong but something like that is much more concise and focused?
Overall, I feel like most sentances can be restructured to be more clear and concise, there are alot of ideas that start, break for another idea, and then continue. I think since the class is mostly scientific writing, the concise focused nature of writing shoud be used, but that is just my opinion