Today I had a great day. I woke up at 8am. I brushed my teeth and took a shower. I started my morning off with some delicious Indian chai. After an hour I has eggs and some bread. After I finished eating I worked on my project for my writing class. I wrote some of this during that time. Then, I talked to my parents in India. We had an hour-long conversation. My dad said that he was proud of my progress in school. It made me really happy to hear that come out of my father’s mouth. When a parent expresses how proud they are of you it makes you feel very happy. After I had a long talk with y father I noticed I was running behind on getting ready for class so the first thing I did was to email my professor letting him know that I will be late. I got ready quickly after and took the bus at 12:49pm and came to class. Besides being late for class I had a great day. After class, I went home and relaxed. I watched tv and ate dinner and went for a walk out while listening to music and then spoke to parents. They said “goodnight Riya” and that’s where my day ended and I went to bed. Tomorrow I have to go to this research biology fair. It is going to be a long day but i can through it hopefully. I feel it will be fun to look at researches and meet post-docs and all. Actually I am excited for this event.
Comments
Im not trying to pick on you I promise
"Today I had a great day. I woke up at 8am. I brushed my teeth and took a shower. I started my morning off with some delicious Indian chai. " Since its a list I would combine these Today I woke up at 8 am, brushed my teeth, took a shower, and started my morning off with delicious Indian chai"
Since we state how a parents comment can make you happy I think we imply that it made you happy so we can drop the middle sentance here
My dad said that he was proud of my progress in school. ***It made me really happy to hear that come out of my father’s mouth.*** When a parent expresses how proud they are of you it makes you feel very happy.
we can probably also use I and me statements, even with active voice its impolite to say "you", you is more accusatory towards the reader and tells them what to do. So if they hated their parents for example you just told them that they have to feel good if they hear praise.
This sentance can probably be cut, you mentioned being late and having a great day already so "Besides being late for class I had a great day." is probably too redundant
This is a list that should be seperated with commas while killing all of the extra ands, After class, I went home and relaxed. I watched tv[,] (andX) ate dinner[,] (andX) went for a walk out while listening to music[,] and then spoke to [my] parents
There are some minor grammatical errors as well such as
"look at researches" could be look at research
"After an hour I has eggs" its all past tense so had instead of has, and if it was supposed to be present tense have is better than has
" day but i can through it hopefully" day, but I can get through it hopefully
"Actually I am" becomes Actually, I am
Like I said Im really not trying to be mean, just all the things I see that could be fixxed
Focus
The paragraph kind of goes all over the place. I feel that there are plenty of topic sentences in this paragraph that could serve as openers for their own paragraph. For example; worked on my project for writing class. Does not really feel relevant to having a great day. I think that you could have been a bit more descriptive about your feelings especially about how happy your fathers praise makes you. That certainly supports having a good day. Its still a great story, I find myself living vicariously thorough others writing when it is so positive and upbeat; a rare thing these days.