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Perfect Paragraph 1

Submitted by samihaalam on Fri, 09/08/2017 - 16:55

The specimen is approximately 2.8 cm long and has a yellowish-beige body with a dark brown head. It became very active; it walked around the edge of the cup and even tried to climb up the sides. It has several hairs around its face and body - the creature probably uses these to sense the environment around it. It also has several pairs of legs. These were mostly the same color as the body except for the tips of the legs, which were a darker brown and possibly also used for sensing its environment. When flipped on its back, it was very efficient at getting back on its legs. The specimen also has a segmented body. It moves by curling at the last segment furthest from its head and then curling up further and further along its body until it reaches its head.



We measured the worm in mm so I think that the length of the worm should be 28 mm instead of 2.8 cm. What caused the worm to become very active and did this occur throughout the time of observation? 

Some of the topics of your observations were scattered throughout the paragraph, so I would suggest putting the observations about its appearance together at the beginning and adding a little more about movement at the end.

I think the overall paragraph is somewhat unorganized. For starters, you don't have a topic sentance to summarize/introduce the topic, it just starts out describing the specimen. The actual observations are in sentences, but some of them seem fragmented and could have better flow. You do seem to kind of stay in focus when talking about a particular observartion, like the legs, as there's more than once sentence on them, just different aspects, but they still seem a bit rough and could use better transition. Then you also just don't have any concluding statement.