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In class Writing Perfect Paragraph

Submitted by dalon on Fri, 09/08/2017 - 15:24

The creature has an off white and segmented body. Through out the creature's body there seem to be small brown dots located along the left side. It moves by scrunching its segments; however, movement is very limited and overall does not display much displacement. The creature's head is a darker brown shade and has even darker accents. The creature was presented with woodchips; however, the creature rarely interacted with the woodchips. When the woodchips were moved, the creature made little to no attempt to move towards the woodchips. Furthermore, when the creature was physically moved within the cup away from its original spot, the creature made no attempt to return to its previous spot and continue to curl up in place. The observed creature had many legs; however, the not all the legs seem to be used solely for walking, but also for a suction type feature. The creature measures 15 cm long when fully stretched, but the creature was rarely fully stretched and was usually curled up, seemingly in a defensive manner. The creature seemed to be mostly curled up towards the tail end. 

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Comments

great paragraph, one suggestion I have would be to use some more word varaiablilty for the creature, such as specimen or organism. Aside from that the paragraph had very nice flow!

 I really like your observations! I'd suggest writing a thesis/topic statement in the first sentence or two of your paragraph to introduce what you'll be talking about as I think it would greatly help consolidate your ideas and keep the paragraph on track. 

 

One spelling error I noticed in your second sentence was that throughout should be one word rather than two. I would also check your verb tenses to make sure they are consistent throughout the paragraph becuase you switched back and forth between past and present tense a couple times. 

Maybe try to start your paragraph off with more a catching first sentence to draw the reader in and introduce them to the topic.