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Perfect Paragraph 1

Submitted by jgcahoon on Fri, 09/08/2017 - 15:25

This organism placed in front of me has very similar features to those of other larva I have seen, but I am unsure whether it is actually one. It is about 2 centimeters long, with its body making up nearly all of this length (i.e. head and feet are very small). I noticed that the front legs contribute the most to the movment of this organism, which causes the body to move as segments. Also, the back legs seem to be less involved in movement, and could be used for suction. I wanted to see how this larva-like creature would react under stress, so using my pencil, I pushed the organism onto its back. In this position, the organism was able to quickly and easily flip itself back over. Despite being strong enough to do this, it is still unable to climb up the sides of the cup, and spends most of its time around the edge of the cup rather than the middle. Lastly, I noticed the tips of its feet are black, which makes me wonder if they're used for gathering sensory information at all. The only other question I have is whether or not the objects placed with this organism are food or just miscellaneous objects from the container they were in. These objects look and feel wood-like, and have a fairly similar color as the organism. I wonder if this helps aid the organism in hiding.



I think that the description is very clear, but some of the punctuation seems off. For example, "I wonder if this helps aid the organism in hiding." should have a question mark instead of a period.

There is a lot of repetition of the word "I" throught this paragraph. Using "I" when needed makes the use of the word more meaningful. Also, instread of using the word "I" either just omit it completely, or switch is with a description about the organism, which is what the paragraph is about. I do like the topic and concluding sentence, it gave the paragraph a solid structure to what it conveyed.